"I never told you to start a business."
I was in the shower and stopped. I stared at the tile and tears filled my eyes and I thought, "now you tell me."
God has always spoken to me in clear and concise ways, but only when I'm asking questions. To be honest I haven't been asking questions for a while. Maybe a year. Maybe more. And god is gracious because I still did not ask a question in the shower that morning. I took a breath and opened up space and god took the moment.
"I never told you to start a business."
That afternoon I had a conversation with my pastor and she said, "I want you to think about what the holy desires god has given you are." The only thing I could come up with was, "I want my life to slow down."
Have you ever started a business? There is nothing slow about it.
The truth is I have been going back and forth for the last month about what I really want. As an eight on the Enneagram I am feeling repressed, which means that out of the three stances (doing, thinking and feeling) I use feeling the least often. I have to ask myself what my feelings are because, unless it's anger, it takes time for me to figure it out. It turns out that after making the space to feel my feelings I have some clarity.
Teaching the Enneagram is a CALLING from god, and not one I'm meant to monetize. Sigh. My North Oak Cliff friends will totally get this, but this is not a popular direction to take in our hood. For those of you who don't live in Dallas, I am part of a community that is highly entrepreneurial. If someone has an idea they typically can figure out a way to turn it into a side hustle or a hustle hustle. It makes it really hard to not take every single idea and start brainstorming on how to make money doing it. When I take a step back I realize that making money is not a priority for me, and it actually stifles the passion I have for the Enneagram because I get caught up in, "is this thing going to pay for itself?" instead of "am I transforming lives and helping people grow?" THESE ARE NOT MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE, I have a friend (shout out Rocky) who does this brilliantly, but in this season I have realized that turning my passion into a business is not what I'm being called to do. I will still be teaching around the DFW area, but it won't look like I thought it would.
I do not want to run my own business. Working for myself is a dream; working by myself is my nightmare. I need a team of people around me to work with. I have been doing some work with a local organizing group and it has been energizing and exciting. A big part of that is my passion for the work we are doing, but another significant part to it is the door it has opened to work with some really smart, fun and inspiring people. Running a business by myself and working out of a coffee shop is not where I get excited and thrive. I am excited to see where god places me in the years to come, because I have faith that it will be with an amazing group of people.
I miss my kids and my kids miss me. I don't have to elaborate on this, it is what it is.
God has placed me in a space in a time for a reason. My faith community is amazing. We have been a part of the church for about three and a half years and I am still meeting people who are inspiring and funny and who challenge me. I am excited to start with my faith community and share the Enneagram and see where it leads. I believe this is part of a larger calling on our faith community to deepen our relationships with one another, and what better way to deepen relationships than learn the Enneagram together?
I want to thank everyone who has been supportive of this endeavor. Some of you have spent time texting and brainstorming with me, drinking coffee and listening to my passion and excitement. Others of you have been pillars in the last week as I have processed this realization, and your encouragement was perfect. Thank you for your friendship and comradery and honesty.
I'm ready to see what this next year holds. If you were excited about attending a workshop, shoot me a message and we can work something out. I'll still be teaching, I'm just not making it a job.
Cheers to holy quitting.